Okay

I just want to be okay again.  For the past months, I've not been "stable" really. My disposition are more inclined to the negative things that I have learned to dwell on and boy it's really not healthy anymore. I'm tired of feeling this way.

I want to go back enjoying things as it is, being thankful no matter what is going on in my life and being a source of blessing to the people around me.

I really want to be okay. I'm tired of crying over things that I have no control of; things that I could not change. I want to live out what I've been saying in my textblast-- that God is sovereign, therefore He can surely be trusted!

I just want to be okay. 

Depressed

Yes, I've been feeling very depressed lately. I lost count na pero ilang weeks na akong walang lumilipas na araw ang hindi ako umiiyak at papasok sa trabaho na namumugto ang mata.

I feel lonely and unappreciated. Most of the time I am criticized, seldom do I get affirmed. I'm thinking yan ang pinang-gagalingan ng issue ko sa ngayon but I'm still not sure.

I want to rest from everything. If I could, I want to stop thinking about all the things I have in mind.

I just feel very tired and really sad.

Praying I'll get through this very soon. 

#TiisPaMore

And so I came home form work today very tired, not because of heavy work load but because of heavy traffic na inabot ng more than an hour from Estrella-EDSA to our apartment here in Mandaluyong. Sa sobrang kapaguran, I found myself crying habang namamalansta ng damit ni John. I couldn't help but cry kasi how I really wish I could have the time freedom that I've been longing for for the past few months.

Yung tipong hindi ko na kailangang magmadali kapag dating ko from work kasi I need to prepare our dinner, John's things for office and then I would struggle to sleep early because I have work the following day pa. Yung tipong I can sleep ng mga minimum 10hrs everyday since ang laki-laki ng utang kong pahinga sa sarili ko. Yung tipong John and I would have more time together, specially in our quiet time as a couple, more bonding and all. Yung tipong I am just managing a businss wherein hawak ko yung oras ko. Yung tipong dahil well rested ako, I'll have more energy for the ministry that I'm involved with. Yung ganun.  I guess I can say, yun ang pina-pangarap ko ngayon. TIME FREEDOM.

Pero hindi pa pwede sa ngayon. And even though it's a sad reality, I know I have to persevere. I have to continue trusting on the Lord for His plans for our life.

I'm thinking it's my PMS week, kaya siguro nag-e-emo na naman ako.

Oh well, I know I'll get through this by God's unlimited grace. Kaya for now tiis-tiis pa more! 

Mema = Mema-i-blog-lang :)

My husband and I were on our way home last night riding a cab when I heard the DJ from the radio read poems...One thing I realized while listening to the beautiful poems is: I miss writing! :'(

And yeah, if I really want to improve on that area, I have to write again. I guess I have to blog again. I've been out of this blog for a long time now and up until now, even with an unlimited internet access at home, I still can't figure out how am I suppose to make time for this "hobby."

Sigh.

But we'll see where I'll get from here.

For now, that's all folks! Happy New Year! :)

Hershey

John texted me this last night:

"May bad news pala... Wala na si Hershey."

He said he died Tuesday, January 17, 2012. He accidentally ate something with poison which caused his stomach and intestines to have holes... He was in pain for days and he tried to bear it but his body gave up...

You will be missed dear Hershey, ang pinaka-cute na shih-tzu sa balat ng lupa!



Yung short lambingan/kulitan natin nung Monday was our last na pala... :(
I'm sure Mommy (Ate Alynna) will miss you more!

Oh my, he's not mine and yet I'm crying over him... :'(

Failed, stressed and windang

Sharing an excerpt of my December 31, 2011 journal entry... Included in my Year-End prayer item was this:

-to be more gracious, loving and forgiving especially towards them.

It is really my desire to grow mature on that area… But last night, I failed. :(

I need His grace right now to pick me up… I’m feeling so stressed out and so windang.

Pray for me and with me please...

Dear Lord,

Enable me to allow You to just pick me up once more in Your grace… To let go and just commit it/them to You…

Forgive me because I failed You once again. Help me to overcome this stressful feeling that is eating me up right now.

Oh God, I want to cry… :'(

And I need Your hug right now.

Thank You Lord. In Jesus’ name I pray, amen.

How do you leave it in a drawer?

It's been two consecutive days since this song (lyrics below) has been played in the office and I could'nt help but be sad...

I first heard this song from a friend's walkman way back in college and since then the song always reminds me of him. I told him in an email I sent him in October that:

Pinapatugtog yang song na yan ngayon dito… at ewan ko ba, ikaw ang naaala ko sa song na yan! :)

Kasi my recollection of that song was your cassette tape. :) Hehehe! nothing senti! LOL

Ewan ko ba tlga friend, bakit di ko makalimutan yun. As in, sobrang random moment nun as in wala lang naman diba? hehehe. katuwa diba? :)

And now, hindi na nakakatuwa when it reminds me of him... I still don't know what happened and I'm still waiting for his kwento. And I'm praying for him to get throught his heart ache.

I'm also praying that the Lord will enlighten him and lead him to Him and find his true love in the Lord Jesus Christ that he may have a changed heart that is after God's own heart, after what God really designed for him...

This one is for you Mark. You know I'm just here... Praying for you!

"Art of Letting Go"

Put away the pictures.
Put away the memories.
I put over and over
Through my tears
I've held them till I'm blind
They kept my hope alive
As if somehow that I'd keep you here
Once you believed in a love forever more?
How do you leave it in a drawer?

Now here it comes, the hardest part of all
Unchain my heart that's holding on
How do I start to live my life alone?
Guess I'm just learning,
Learning the art of letting go.

Try to say it's over
Say the word goodbye.
But each time it catches in my throat
Your still here in me
And I can't set you free
So I hold on to what I wanted most
Maybe someday we'll be friend's forever more
Wish I could open up that door

Now here it comes, the hardest part of all
Unchain my heart that's holding on
How do I start to live my life alone?
Guess I'm just learning,
Learning the art of letting go

Watching us fade
What can I do?
But try to make it through
the pain of one more day
Without you

Where do I start, to live my life alone?
I guess I'm learning, only learning,
Learning the art of letting go....

Namimiss at mamimiss

The last time I saw you was two weeks ago...
But the last time we had our discpleship was more than a month ago...
I miss you so much T.Carol!

After today, we will see each other again on Friday...
I will miss you my super loving, caring, and super gwapong love! :)

Tumakbo ako papunta ng locker area...

It's Thursday again! And I'm kind of feeling so emo (again) because whenever Thursday comes I am missing John so much!!! :(

The last time that we saw each other was Tuesday... And antagal pa ng Saturday night, where we will see each other in our Bible study group! Waaah!!!

I miss you love, sooooo much!

At dahil nami-miss ko sya, tumakbo ako sa may locker area namin dito sa office at tinawagan ko sya! That also explains the title of this post. Hehe.

Sorry love ha ginising kita! Miss you eh! Hahaha!

Napabasa din tuloy ako ng mga old emails nya habang ang background song ko dito sa opisina ay kanta ni Gary V na...

"It's not everyday that someone like you comes my way

No words can express how much I love you..."

Yihee! May ganun?!?! lol

Eto yung isa sa maraming old emails nya sa akin na sobrang nagpaluha sa akin ngayon (nakakatouch kasi at sobra pang nagpa-instense pa nung pagka-miss ko sa kanya)

john velasquez

08/07/2008 11:10 PM

but please rajsh..at least try to smile. don't you know that you have the most beautiful smile?

Awww... Di ba? San ka pa? Sino ba naman hindi makaka-miss sa lalakeng yan?!?!

Ahehehe. Ayun lang. Lunch break muna ako!

Hug me!

This is just cute! Hehehe!

it's been three days (and going four)

Yeah, it's been three days (and might go four tomorrow) since John and I last saw each other.

What does that mean? Wala naman.

I JUST MISS HIM! :-(

Reason behind it:

He is sick with flu.

He was feeling better last Monday if not for their paglipat bahay that caused him to feel too tired to go to work.

I miss you love... Haaays!

Naglalaba

I was doing my laundry a couple of minutes ago when I suddenly remembered something--- one of my greatest dream...

And then I found myself crying and telling God:

Lord, sana po matupad... Ano po ba ang will Nyo?

*sniff

I want to cry

I am feeling a bit depressed as of this very moment and paiyak-iyak ako since I arrived here at work (syempre di ko magawang umiyak ng todo dahil gagawa ako ng eksena noh at ayoko nun. haha!)...

Anyway, I'm saving my crying moment later... I will cry to the Lord in my quiet time...

In the mean time, because I want to feel relaxed and calm (and because papatak-patak ang work load ko) I'm looking at these:

Green Wedding Shoes

Clayton Austin Love Stories

Jill Thomas Photography

Somehow, wedding photos make me relax.

Now I want to *sigh*...

Farewell baby!

Mike and I went to NAIA this morning para ihatid ang aming Baby Sager na lilipad papuntang Dubai (where she and her husband will live..for good...?).

I will miss you my dear Sager... I know we've been physically apart naman because I'm in Net plaza and you're in Philam Life building. Nevertheless, the thought that you are leaving makes me really sad. And I'm sure si Mike din! Our trio is now incomplete...

But like I said, I'm also very happy for you that finally you'll be with Puto, your dear husband! And I'm very sure you are super excited! Hehe.

Keep in touch ha? And keep checking on my blog!

I love you and I will be on praying for you... I hope you like the book I gave you! Make use of it as it has changed and still changing my life.

Don't forget Him as well. He's been so good and gracious. I know you know that!

Ayun lang. Drama. Tama na!

And as promised... The highlights below:

Calling her when we arrived

There she is!

Sager with Mike na nanlibre uli ng breakfast! Hehe

At sumama na ako sa letrato

Model ng mga inorder nila

my hug says: I will miss this girl!

Sager, sobrang pa-cute ka dear! haha

My farewell gift : the book Love and Respect and my fave lip balm

Her passport, naks Villaruel na! 

With her College Best Friend

Oh kami naman!

Tried out our shades (Mike's and mine)

*more to come!

Separation Anxiety

.Sigh.

What with me? It's been three weeks since we transferred from the 14th floor to the 9th floor but I still go to the 14th to sleep for my 1hr-lunch-break-nap.

I miss you 14th floor! You will always be my favorite floor here in Net Plaza!

Hehehe. Arte lang!

On another note, few of my friends will be leaving and I'm kind of happy-sad about the thought...

October 18, 2010 - Rudy, my seat mate has just been promoted and as Quality Analyst for a different department in the morning shift effective on this date... Kaya ayun, wala na ako kausap about our wedding plans and all the photography thing. Hehehe. Sila ni Migs (his gf) ang pinag-pe-pray ko na makuha namin to take pictures for our pre-nup... Kung kelan man yun, si Lord lang nakaka-alam. Wahehe. Congrats Rodolfo Claver! Ma-mi-miss ka namin dito. Si Vince at Jon-ed na lang ang guy sa Team. Wish you well and God bless!

October 29, 2010 - Jaycz, my GAWAD Sis and batchmate leaves for Canada to pursue her career as a nurse... and I guess to pursue her dream of becoming a Medical Doctor... Tama ba sis? And, it's been what? 3 or 4 years ba since we last saw each other? The day that you'll be flying away is coming nearer and nearer. And it really kind of making me sad... Kind of lang! Hehe. No wonder I thought about you leaving the country a couple of days before I got your text-short-notice! I wish you well, and I'm very happy for you pa rin! I know it has been your dream to go abroad... For sure naman we will see each other pa! You promised to help me out in my wedding preps diba? LOL! Thank God din that we will see each other on the 24th for your despedida and our batch's get together. Hehehe. I love you Sis! Keep in touch ha?

October 30, 2020 - JV, my wedding coordinator will leave the country in pursuit of a grenner pasture (as he told me before). Naku naman! I will miss you bro... Salamat sa mga tips and sa wedding journal na ibibigay mo sa akin. At teka, makaka-uwi ka ba sa wedding? Ikaw ang gusto ko maging emcee. LOL.

November 18, 2010 - Sager, ang baby namin ni Mike ay lilipad na papuntang Dubai para makasama ang kanyang husband... Pero sabi ko nga, wag mo na lang sya puntahan dun! Mas importante ba sya kesa sa amin ni Mike? Wahehehe. I'm missing you na... Minsan na nga lang tayo kung magkita dahil malayo ang philam sa net plaza (chos!). Haaaayyy... I'm missing you na talga! And I promise na ihahatid kita sa airport! Ok lang kahit mapuyat ako on that day! I pray that all will go well with you over there, enjoy! I'm happy you and Puto will be together again after ilang months...

...At ngayon ko lang narealize, bakit puro may wedding things sa bawat tao na binanggit ko???

.sigh.

My status message for today:

For the things that matter... God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever!

I hate the day today.
If not for His grace, I would have just locked myself in my silent sanctuary.

Thank You, for praying for me always... Thank You, for Your grace, thank You, for Your love...

HÜG me Lord, please. ☺

Keeping Romance Alive

I just learned that Dr Gary Chapman moved his blog here.

...Nag-e-emo kasi ako over something (maliit na tampo lang naman. ehehe) so I decided to take a break and read his (Dr. Chapman's) article... So, ayun! Lalo akong naiyak! Hehehe.

Anyway, just want to share this:

" Keeping Romance Alive "


Advance happy valentine's day everyone!

Contemplating (Part II)

I have to keep this in mind and live it out at the same time:

Jesus replied, "You may go. Your son will live." The man took Jesus at his word and departed. -John 4:50

And

Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus... -Philippians 2:5

HE is teaching me hard. It hurts but I'm glad that He is doing what He is doing to me...

An old one

But this made me cry... Back when I first read it and today when I read it again...

(I don't know why pero bigla ko na lang naisip na maghalungkat ng mga lumang email).

A part of Mama's email to me - Thursday, 13 January, 2005 7:19 PM

"I'm glad though that I can share my thoughts with you.
(I just don't know if you can fully understand how I
feel.) I thank the Lord for your life and pray that
you will do all you can to seek the Lord so that He
will make your life productive...just as He promised.

There may be things that we don't understand, things
that we don't like to happen to us; yet they're
happening. All these are not hidden from the Lord. I
am confident that He has a higher purpose for allowing
us to go through all of the difficulties we are
facing.

Remember I may love you but the Lord loves you more
and He is able to do so much more than I can ever do
or imagine."

Singing it over and over

...again and again!

I know I posted it here already pero gusto ko pa rin sya i-re-post. I want to be always reminded of HIS grace... His grace that is more than sufficient! Naiiyak, nahu-humble at nao-overwhelm ako sa message ng song...

My faithful Father, enduring Friend
Your tender mercy’s like a river with no end
It overwhelms me, covers my sin
Each time I come into Your presence
I stand in wonder once again

Your grace still amazes me
Your love is still a mystery
Each day I fall on my knees
Your grace still amazes me
‘Cause Your grace still amazes me

Oh, patient Saviour, You make me whole
You are the Author and the Healer of my soul
What can I give You, Lord, what can I say
I know there’s no way to repay You
Only to offer You my praise

It’s deeper, it’s wider
It’s stronger, it’s higher
It’s deeper it’s wider
It’s stronger, it’s higher
than anything my eyes can see