(I wrote this last week, Friday... full of emotions.
I didn't have Internet connection then so it's just now that I'm able to share it in here.
I pray that beyond my brokenness and emo mode, what you will see is God's love and grace...)
"The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure..." -Jeremiah 17:9
Indeed this verse is so true!
For a long time now (and for the record I do not know when exactly this started) I didn't notice that I have been "nursing" a sin in my heart. I've been holding grudges towards someone and it's taken its toll on me and affected the state of my heart big time!
I haven't been able to enjoy my quiet time like I used to because of this. I knew at the back of my mind and have already felt that there was something wrong (in my heart) but I just shrugged it off and didn't address it right away and so... Whenever I think about the person, whenever I see the person, when over I hear from that person I always gets annoyed. And yeah, I always sin. :(
But God in His faithfulness, as always, knows what is best for me. He knew it needed to be addressed and that I needed to be freed from the sin that calloused my heart... For this week, I have been on my "bratinella" mode especially in the office. I have found myself being my "old self" again-- irate, reklamadora, looking down on others, being prideful and selfish and all that stuff! And He made sure that I got aware of it so I approached Him in my quiet time yesterday and asked for cleansing from it all... I felt "OK" afterwards but then, right after my qt, I failed again... In my heart I hated another person... I was like "what the heck is happening to me?!" then I just went on with my day... Work mode even though I was really distracted. My distraction didn't left until I was on my way home I found myself praying to God "Lord, this needs to be addressed!"
So I arrived home... After doing some chores, I locked myself in my room so I can "wrestle with God."
He lead me to read Psalm 24:3-4 and it says:
"Who may ascend to the hill of the Lord?
Who may stand in His holy place?
He who has clean hands and a pure heart"
I've read that verse before. I've gone through it in my previous qts... But then, even though this verse is not new to me, God spoke to me clearly. He dealt with me and pointed out how unclean my hands were and how impure my heart is before Him for a long time now... He didn't stop there... I didn't stop from there either... He led me more to Himself in repentance as I read more passages: Psalm 26:2-6; Psalm 51:10; Ezekiel 18:31 and so on...
When I prayed earlier what I was actually thinking was how to "fix" my attitude towards the person. But I am not God, I am not the one who is in control and I'm glad that's the way it is... Where He led me now is exactly what I need. I need to repent from my sin, I need to rid myself from all the offenses that I have committed in my heart, I need to be (once again) broken before Him so I can deal with the attitude of my heart towards the person...
I failed God big time! I sinned and I have been nursing this sin for a long time... But I praise Him for what He did to me tonight...
Allow me to share an excerpt from my journal, my cry to God:
"Yes Lord... I want to have a pure heart before You... I have offended You ng paulit-ulit and I ask for forgiveness... Help me Lord... Cleanse me, purify me and make my heart right before You. Ayaw ko na pong maging masama, bitter, and holding these grudges... I want to be free Lord... I don't want to sin anymore..."
After those words, I wept. I haven't wept that way for a long time now. I was mourning. I broke His heart and I'm such a failure! But then He is really faithful, He sees how broken I am so He once again picked me up by His grace, His mercy and His love, He picked me up! He did this so to give me another chance, to make things right, to sin less and less and to just press on with my eyes fixed on Him and not on people.
Through the Holy Spirit, I know I can do the things He want me to do... To forgive them, just love them and have compassion on them and to keep in mind that everything works for my good because I belong to Him!
As I concluded with my wrestling with the Lord... I told and asked Him these:
"Thank You for still loving me dear God (insert here tears again. Hehe)... Lead me to love You back in my obedience, worship and devotion to You. Take me back on the right track again..."
I praise Him for who He is in my life... Indeed, without Him I am nothing...
Thank You Father, Son and Holy Spirit!
(So now, totoo na ito... Sleep na ako! Just wanted to share that! Good night!)