Had a bad day

It was a bad day today at work.  And I hate myself.

Why does it always have to happen when I'm having a post-menstrual-syndrome?  I got a failed QA at work and had a coaching session with my team lead and it was bad.  I cried out of annoyance.  And then later I regret that I reacted that way.

Yup, this is me. This is the rajshbratinella in me that I'm struggling dealing with.  I am praying and really looking forward to that day that I'll be a better me, that I can truly say I am more Christ-like.

I want to quit work.  Oh if only I could, I really would.

Oh yeah, it was a bad day! I'll stop na. Just want to let it out a bit.

Sigh.  

On wanting God again for a better Rajsh

I have just read Ephesians chapter one and this is how I prayed and responded to God after reading His word.

"Forgive me Lord for I know I have not been faithful to You...  I am so ashamed of myself and really feel unworthy of You...  But still, thank You for reminding me that You have called me to be holy and blameless before You on the account of Christ's finished work at the cross.

Thank You also for reminding me that the intention of Your will is kind and out of Your unconditional love for me... That You purposed for ll things to work together for my good.

I indeed ask Lord that You please give me wisdom and revelation of knowledge of Christ... That my heart be enlightened and see clearly (once again) the hope of my calling in You... And once again desire to bring glory to Your name.

Help me Lord be patient with myself and with You as You lead me back to You again.

Sorry again Lord for failing You. "

I sure am hoping for a "better Rajsh" in the coming days, by God's grace. Amen. ☺️

Birthday Wish List

I'll be turning 31 on the 25th of this month. Wala naman siguro masama na magsulat ng wish list ko ano? Hehe. Libre naman ang mangarap right?

In no particular order:

• More time to rest and more time to be busy at home - no explanation needed. Haha!
• A trip to Baguio on my own - to have a personal silent retreat. And yes, Baguio talaga! Gusto ko ma-enjoy ang OMF Baguio Home or PBTS siguro, if possible. 
• A large teddy bear - I wanted a dog sana kaso di pa namin kaya ni John mag-alaga money and time wise, so I thought having a teddy bear that I can sleep with and hug at night will do. Haha! Natatawa ako sa explanation ko. 
• Foot massage - my feet are just tired like me. 
• New mobile phone - because what I have now is giving up on me again. Twice na ako nagpalit ng battery, few months old pa lang ang charger ko and yet bumibigay na naman ang baterya. Hindi na ako mag-sa-Samsung after this. 
• A weekend picnic date in UP Diliman Sunken Garden with one or two people dear to me. 
• Slow juicer - baka sakali na ma-engganyo akong seryosohin ang healthy diet. LOL!
• Vacuum cleaner - para mas simot ang dumi sa bahay.
• A date with my discipler-ninang-teacher Carol - which will happen this month! Wohoo! Sana walang aberya on the date she've set for us to meet. Hehe. It's been a year since we last saw each other, August 2014. 

So there... If God would allow it lang naman, those'll be great as birthday gifts for me! Pero kung hindi naman, kahit yung rest na lang po Lord please? Hihi. May tawad pa di ba? :-p

Anyway, itutulog ko na nga ito. Gabi na. Ktnxbai. :)

Okay

I just want to be okay again.  For the past months, I've not been "stable" really. My disposition are more inclined to the negative things that I have learned to dwell on and boy it's really not healthy anymore. I'm tired of feeling this way.

I want to go back enjoying things as it is, being thankful no matter what is going on in my life and being a source of blessing to the people around me.

I really want to be okay. I'm tired of crying over things that I have no control of; things that I could not change. I want to live out what I've been saying in my textblast-- that God is sovereign, therefore He can surely be trusted!

I just want to be okay. 

Depressed

Yes, I've been feeling very depressed lately. I lost count na pero ilang weeks na akong walang lumilipas na araw ang hindi ako umiiyak at papasok sa trabaho na namumugto ang mata.

I feel lonely and unappreciated. Most of the time I am criticized, seldom do I get affirmed. I'm thinking yan ang pinang-gagalingan ng issue ko sa ngayon but I'm still not sure.

I want to rest from everything. If I could, I want to stop thinking about all the things I have in mind.

I just feel very tired and really sad.

Praying I'll get through this very soon. 

#TiisPaMore

And so I came home form work today very tired, not because of heavy work load but because of heavy traffic na inabot ng more than an hour from Estrella-EDSA to our apartment here in Mandaluyong. Sa sobrang kapaguran, I found myself crying habang namamalansta ng damit ni John. I couldn't help but cry kasi how I really wish I could have the time freedom that I've been longing for for the past few months.

Yung tipong hindi ko na kailangang magmadali kapag dating ko from work kasi I need to prepare our dinner, John's things for office and then I would struggle to sleep early because I have work the following day pa. Yung tipong I can sleep ng mga minimum 10hrs everyday since ang laki-laki ng utang kong pahinga sa sarili ko. Yung tipong John and I would have more time together, specially in our quiet time as a couple, more bonding and all. Yung tipong I am just managing a businss wherein hawak ko yung oras ko. Yung tipong dahil well rested ako, I'll have more energy for the ministry that I'm involved with. Yung ganun.  I guess I can say, yun ang pina-pangarap ko ngayon. TIME FREEDOM.

Pero hindi pa pwede sa ngayon. And even though it's a sad reality, I know I have to persevere. I have to continue trusting on the Lord for His plans for our life.

I'm thinking it's my PMS week, kaya siguro nag-e-emo na naman ako.

Oh well, I know I'll get through this by God's unlimited grace. Kaya for now tiis-tiis pa more! 

Failed, stressed and windang

Sharing an excerpt of my December 31, 2011 journal entry... Included in my Year-End prayer item was this:

-to be more gracious, loving and forgiving especially towards them.

It is really my desire to grow mature on that area… But last night, I failed. :(

I need His grace right now to pick me up… I’m feeling so stressed out and so windang.

Pray for me and with me please...

Dear Lord,

Enable me to allow You to just pick me up once more in Your grace… To let go and just commit it/them to You…

Forgive me because I failed You once again. Help me to overcome this stressful feeling that is eating me up right now.

Oh God, I want to cry… :'(

And I need Your hug right now.

Thank You Lord. In Jesus’ name I pray, amen.

He answers

I’ve been thinking and praying about our growth group attendees whom have yet to commit their lives to Jesus Christ as their personal Lord and Saviour even after being told (and explained) about the Good News or the Gospel.

Worried talaga ako kasi they have not made The Decision yet…

I've been asking God since last week when will that day come and so early this morning during my qt, this was how God addressed my concern about them:

“All those the Father gives me will come to me, and whoever comes to me I will never drive away.” – John 6:37

“No one can come to me unless the Father who sent me draws them…” – John 6:44

So ayun, oo nga naman. Marunong pa ako kay Lord ano? Hehe.

I’m glad I have a prayer answering God! Though it seems that He did not really answered my question, what He gave is just right and timely and yeah, I'm good with it!

“If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.” – James 1:5

“I planted the seed, Apollos watered it, but God has been making it grow.” – 1 Corinthians 3:6

In everything, give thanks!



my signature in my outlook email at work :)

 Yesterday was just awesome!

I really felt God’s favor upon me… it was overflowing and I really thank Him for everything!

Thank You Lord, BIG time!!!

Let me start off with yesterday morning. I went over to John’s place before going to work for an errand I needed to finish for Connect. I left their place late than I should have. My travel time from their place requires a lot of allowance due to heavy traffic. (Anyone familiar in Caint-Ortigas Extension-C5 route? You know what I mean. Hehe).

Anyway, it was funny because I didn’t panicked. If you know me—alam mo kung gaano ako ka-panikera :). And that I think was God at work in me.

I left at around 8am; my work starts at 10am. I was praying that God would provide a way for me to make it on time at work because I know for sure that based on the normal traffic situation in that route, it is most probable that I’m going to be late.

I had two routes to choose from—either I ride a bus going to Ortigas and then from there ride another bus going to Ayala so I can drop off somewhere in EDSA and then walk to our office OR ride an FX going to Ayala and drop off somewhere in Kalayaan avenue and then walk going to our office. The later was much easier, less hassle and less stress on my part but the thing is, during rush hours it is sooooo difficult to get to an FX because it is always full, jampacked with fellow commuters...

But hey, I did mention that I prayed right? And God answered it! Just a few minutes of waiting and I got into an FX and I was so happy! Was really rejoicing! I thanked God because He knew I needed that FX ride. Wohoo! I was at peace with this thought in mind: the Lord provided an FX for me, I’m sure that He will not let me be late for work. Though I knew there would be another "obstacle course" that I would had to go through and that is no other than—TRAFFIC! But miraculously, it wasn’t that heavy and when the FX was in C5, it was smooth flowing! How good is our Lord? He is so good!

So I arrived at work 15 minutes prior to my schedule! Yehey! Praise Him, super duper blessed and favored! He knew how I hate being late at work. :)

And wait there is more; while I was walking I got a text from my beloved sharing his good news (that I couldn’t share yet) which made me rejoice more! Lord, You are so good to us, Your children!

And wait again there is more! Yesterday was our scheduled bidding for 2012 VL (vacation leave). It was a first come-first serve basis and only one analyst per day is allowed to go on a VL. I had my VL requests for the whole 2012 saved on my draft folder since last week (hehe. Yeah, I am that O.C.). Bidding starts at exactly 2pm. Four minutes prior to 2pm I was already in front of my outlook. I hit the clock in my pc so I could see how many seconds left for the time and then when it hit two o'clock—BOOM! I clicked on SEND button... and then few seconds after my Supervisor announced that my email was the first one to arrive in her inbox! Yehey!

When I received the reply of my Supervisor, everything got approved (well not everything actually, with the exception of December 25 because we can’t file a VL for any Philippine holiday as of yet since our function is volume driven). Anyway, the highlight of this particular favor from the Lord is this—my wedding and honeymoon VL was approved! Since I was the very first one to send the request I got every VL dates that I want! Super yahoo!

I thank Him for allowing me to make it as the first one to send because majority of my team mates also desired to plot VL on the same date as our honeymoon date. I also thank God that He enabled my team mates to understand why I needed those dates… Yihee!!! I’m just so excited for next year!!! Super happy!!!

Lord You are good and Your mercy endures forever… Super thank You dear God for these blessings!

Now today was not the same as yesterday. I came in late at work because I lost track of time, and then it was raining and because of that traffic in EDSA was heavier than the usual. But thank God that it didn’t ruin my day…

When I arrived at work, God had a surprise for me. When opened my email I saw another answered prayer, a BIG blessing and another favor from the Lord… Grabe! Until now, I couldn’t help but just rejoice and thank Him because He never fail to show Himself to be faithful to me. He knows that that “answered prayer” is going to be one BIG help for John and I as we prepare for our wedding… As in! But pardon me if I couldn’t share it here… Just please thank God for me and with me.

HE IS GOOD! GOD IS SO GOOD! I couldn’t ask for more…

How about you? What’s your thanksgiving item this week? How did God show You His faithfulness these past few days?

Happy Friday everyone! :)

PMS

I've been doing a lot of thinking if PMS is a valid excuse for ladies to be grumpy or easily irritated... Is it?

I do not know the answer... yet... Need to do research, need to pray more about it and need to ask God for wisdom...

But what I know right now is that I experience being the "grumpy me" on the first day of my period just like today... Hindi ko tuloy na enjoy ang qt ko kasi iritable ako because of dysmenorrhea na sinundan ng head ache... :(

Thank God for pain killers.

Lenten Season

It's the time of the year... everytime this season comes i always feel sad and gloomy. As fas as I can remember I was a kid when I first felt this certain sadness/gloominess inside and until now I do not know why.

I guess I have to find time to seek God's leading on where this "gloomy feeling" is coming from. 
On another note, our church will have a Good Friday Service on April 22, 2011 at 5pm in GCF Ortigas. I will be attending for the first time this coming Frisay and if you want to, you too can join. :-)

Good Read: Cry Hosanna by P. Jon Las

To rant or to whine?

I need to focus on work and that is why I couldn't find time to blog.

I just want to share something right now before I go home (my Wednesday shift just ended 21 minutes ago, 6:21 a.m. na eh)...

Last week my Sup called for a meeting to discuss P.I.P. (Performance Improvement Plan) and how it will take effect for this month.  That news triggered a number of violent reactions/reactors.

Our function never had this P.I.P ever but then things change, and they say things change for the better.

I guess, nasanay ang mga tao na "relax" with their stats and in giving their "best" at work, myself included. So here goes the rebuke...

I was about to feel red mad right after I heard my sup mentioned things about it but the Lord reminded me of these:

My 2010 Over-All Rating and Appraisal

And I kind of heard Him tell me this:

I have proven Myself to be faithful to you my child, are going to whine? Don't you trust Me?

And so I stopped and just thanked Him for the blessing that I have this work.

...to be continued...

Stessed, Struggling, Praying...

.Stressed.
I've never been this stressed over my work for the longest time. Early this morning I cried because of stress and pressure. I've been doing 2hours over time since Monday and I've been hitting the goal (and beyond) and I'm kind of feeling pressured to be consistent on being on top of it... But omg, I'm just soooo tired! I need a spa!

.Struggling.
The Lord's been dealing with me...with my heart about issues/burden that I've been carrying and struggling with... But His grace remains sufficient! Lord, continue to help me in my struggles...

.Praying.
I pray that He will find me faithful... and He will continue to pick me up in His grace whenever I fall. I pray that I will decrease and allow Him to increase in my life. I pray that I'll be more patient and I'll level up on my trust in Him and in His timing...

Naglalaba

I was doing my laundry a couple of minutes ago when I suddenly remembered something--- one of my greatest dream...

And then I found myself crying and telling God:

Lord, sana po matupad... Ano po ba ang will Nyo?

*sniff

Legacy

Your response is your responsibility.
-Dr. Emerson Eggerichs

That is one unforgettable quote I learned from our mentoring session (watching the Love and Respect conference in dvd).  What does it have to do with the title of this post?

My heart has been crying and mourning over something that has been going on... This "something" is not new. It has happened a couple of times. To be honest, I lost count already. And to date, I still ask-- Why are they like that? Why do they choose to leave a legacy like this to us and the generation after us?

Nakakalungkot. Nakakadisappoint. Pero ayun na nga, sila naman ang magiging accountable kay God pagdating ng panahon.

So I say it again--

Your response is your responsibility.

(Note: the qoute is also my everyday reminder to myself)

"their work will be shown for what it is, because the Day will bring it to light. It will be revealed with fire, and the fire will test the quality of each person’s work." -1 Corinthians 3:13 

53rd

November 11, 2010

Happy birthday Pa!

Yun pa rin ang panalangin ko-- that we will be one as a family who submits under the Lordship of Christ Jesus.

Mahal ko kayo. Salamat po sa lahat-lahat...

:-)

Hugged by the Lord

I was crying when I woke up early morning, yesterday, I texted John about it so he could pray with me and then went on with having my quiet time...

I was listening to the song "Your Grace Still Amazes me" and really weeping and pouring out my heart to Him until He spoke, encouraged and "hugged" me through His words:

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. And you have forgotten that word of encouragement that addresses you as sons:

"My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline,

and do not lose heart when he rebukes you,

because the Lord disciplines those he loves,

and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son."

Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live! Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. "Make level paths for your feet," so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed.

-Hebrews 12:1-13

** Please pray for me and with me... **

Customized

A quote from a friend: "Delayed obedience is disobedience."

Have you ever found your self customizing your obedience to God?

"I will obey You in this area but in this one, that one, and the other one You cannot touch, that's mine to handle, okay Lord?!"

I know it's hard and it's frustrating. I've caught myself in that situation for a couple of times and I still struggle... Just like the apostle Paul:

"I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do..." -Romans 7:14

But thanks be to Him because He is always faithful in picking me up in His mercy and grace when I fall...

♪ A thousand times I've failed

Still your mercy remains

And should I stumble again

Still I'm caught in your grace ♪

"What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!" -Romans 7:24-25

See also: Did God Really Say?

crying out loud

Just thinking and crying out loud:

Sana dumating din yung araw na pag may problema tayo harapin natin at wag nating takasan. At wag na tayong magpalusot at mag-justify but rather admit our mistake(s), repent, forgive, ask forgiveness, move one and heal...

Tama na. Sobra na. Nakakasawa na. Napakasakit na...

"If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word has no place in our lives." -1 John 1:8-10

"My prayer is not for them alone. I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me. I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one: I in them and you in me. May they be brought to complete unity to let the world know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me..." -John 17:20-23

+ Pray with me and for me. Thank you. +

Personal Retreat?

I'm thinking if I'll go to the Prayer Mountain in Antipolo for my birthday next month...
But I also want to spend time with my pamangkins that day (7 na sila lahat! Grabe, sa dalawang kuya ko pa lang yun. Haha!)...
Also want to have dinner bonding date with my Connect family...
And then date in Maitre Chocolatier Boutique with John...

2009 - natulog maghapon dahil pagod from Singles' Retreat at kinagabihan nagdinner sa Korean BBQ
2008 - natulog maghapon dahil pagod from SG trip then kinagabihan nakipag-date kay John (trivia: di pa kami nun. hehe)
2007 - nasa baguio ako with Sager and Divine (and Mama and Papa)
2006 - wala pa akong blog nito pero tandang-tanda ko ang ginawa ko nun: Date with MYSELF. Thank God day off ko nun.
2005 - nagrent ako ng resort sa Pagsanjan, Laguna to celebrate it there with my family and my "true friends," Totz and Prime (sa dinami-dami kong ininvite, sila lang dumating na frend ko. Kaya true friends) hahaha!.

For this year... Hmmm... Ano naman kaya?
Still praying about it. =)