Had a bad day

It was a bad day today at work.  And I hate myself.

Why does it always have to happen when I'm having a post-menstrual-syndrome?  I got a failed QA at work and had a coaching session with my team lead and it was bad.  I cried out of annoyance.  And then later I regret that I reacted that way.

Yup, this is me. This is the rajshbratinella in me that I'm struggling dealing with.  I am praying and really looking forward to that day that I'll be a better me, that I can truly say I am more Christ-like.

I want to quit work.  Oh if only I could, I really would.

Oh yeah, it was a bad day! I'll stop na. Just want to let it out a bit.

Sigh.  

On Leave

I have just "filed" for a leave for one month from my Connect Ministry involvement.  I'm taking a break so I can physically rest and at the same time, Lord-willing, further assess/discern where I'm at in my walk.

I have been in touch with a number of counselors in our church and REST is one of their major recommendation for me. Which is an affirmation! Yehey!

I'm still praying that my application for a Leave of Absence (LOA) from work be approved.  I'm also looking at taking a break from work for 30 to 45 days so I can rest and be busy at home with John.

While "on leave" I'll probably be updating this blog more often.  I want to record my journey on this trying phase that I'm going through right now.

Sigh. I'm really super hoping and praying to be really okay soon. 

Okay

I just want to be okay again.  For the past months, I've not been "stable" really. My disposition are more inclined to the negative things that I have learned to dwell on and boy it's really not healthy anymore. I'm tired of feeling this way.

I want to go back enjoying things as it is, being thankful no matter what is going on in my life and being a source of blessing to the people around me.

I really want to be okay. I'm tired of crying over things that I have no control of; things that I could not change. I want to live out what I've been saying in my textblast-- that God is sovereign, therefore He can surely be trusted!

I just want to be okay. 

On waiting and trusting Him

A growth group member shared in our viber group chat a concern she has at work. I said I'll pray for her and reminded her of our lesson last Saturday in Romans 8:28 where it said that in good times or bad, all things are working together for the good-- being made in Christ-likeness, being changed from glory to glory-- of those called to salvation by God, those people who love Him. And while I type those words, I am also speaking to myself. 

I am struggling with the fact that I have to endure being on a 10 am to 7 pm schedule at work. That is the worst schedule that the management could give me because it will basically compromise our (John and I) time together since he works at night. By the time I arrive home, he needs to leave na.  By the time he arrives home in the morning, I need to leave na otherwise I'll be late because of the traffic. And so because of all these factors, I struggle and find myself feeling like I want to resign na talaga, as in if only I could, I'd submit an immediate resignation. BUT it's also clear, given our current financial situation that I cannot afford to quit working as of yet. 

So for now, I am praying that God will allow me to see things in His perspective. Just as His word said, it is certain that this change of schedule did not go about without His approval or just by chance, kasi sabi sa word Nya "all things work together for good" so this is not an exception. I have to accept that every moment as I trust in Him and wait upon His perfect timing when will I be able to leave my job. I have to trust Him because He knows what He is doing with my life. 

Wait for the Lord;
be strong, and let your heart take courage;
wait for the Lord!
-Psalm 27:14

Failed, stressed and windang

Sharing an excerpt of my December 31, 2011 journal entry... Included in my Year-End prayer item was this:

-to be more gracious, loving and forgiving especially towards them.

It is really my desire to grow mature on that area… But last night, I failed. :(

I need His grace right now to pick me up… I’m feeling so stressed out and so windang.

Pray for me and with me please...

Dear Lord,

Enable me to allow You to just pick me up once more in Your grace… To let go and just commit it/them to You…

Forgive me because I failed You once again. Help me to overcome this stressful feeling that is eating me up right now.

Oh God, I want to cry… :'(

And I need Your hug right now.

Thank You Lord. In Jesus’ name I pray, amen.

Stessed, Struggling, Praying...

.Stressed.
I've never been this stressed over my work for the longest time. Early this morning I cried because of stress and pressure. I've been doing 2hours over time since Monday and I've been hitting the goal (and beyond) and I'm kind of feeling pressured to be consistent on being on top of it... But omg, I'm just soooo tired! I need a spa!

.Struggling.
The Lord's been dealing with me...with my heart about issues/burden that I've been carrying and struggling with... But His grace remains sufficient! Lord, continue to help me in my struggles...

.Praying.
I pray that He will find me faithful... and He will continue to pick me up in His grace whenever I fall. I pray that I will decrease and allow Him to increase in my life. I pray that I'll be more patient and I'll level up on my trust in Him and in His timing...

and again and again and again...

Here goes that feeling of not-wanting-to-wait again...



.Sigh.

So I have two words for me today: BE PATIENT!
"But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently." -Romans 8:25 

"And so after waiting patiently, Abraham received what was promised." -Hebrews 6:15

"The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance." -2 Peter 3:9
 

* photo courtesy of Rifat Najmi - a visual artist *