Had a bad day

It was a bad day today at work.  And I hate myself.

Why does it always have to happen when I'm having a post-menstrual-syndrome?  I got a failed QA at work and had a coaching session with my team lead and it was bad.  I cried out of annoyance.  And then later I regret that I reacted that way.

Yup, this is me. This is the rajshbratinella in me that I'm struggling dealing with.  I am praying and really looking forward to that day that I'll be a better me, that I can truly say I am more Christ-like.

I want to quit work.  Oh if only I could, I really would.

Oh yeah, it was a bad day! I'll stop na. Just want to let it out a bit.

Sigh.  

On wanting God again for a better Rajsh

I have just read Ephesians chapter one and this is how I prayed and responded to God after reading His word.

"Forgive me Lord for I know I have not been faithful to You...  I am so ashamed of myself and really feel unworthy of You...  But still, thank You for reminding me that You have called me to be holy and blameless before You on the account of Christ's finished work at the cross.

Thank You also for reminding me that the intention of Your will is kind and out of Your unconditional love for me... That You purposed for ll things to work together for my good.

I indeed ask Lord that You please give me wisdom and revelation of knowledge of Christ... That my heart be enlightened and see clearly (once again) the hope of my calling in You... And once again desire to bring glory to Your name.

Help me Lord be patient with myself and with You as You lead me back to You again.

Sorry again Lord for failing You. "

I sure am hoping for a "better Rajsh" in the coming days, by God's grace. Amen. ☺️

On Leave

I have just "filed" for a leave for one month from my Connect Ministry involvement.  I'm taking a break so I can physically rest and at the same time, Lord-willing, further assess/discern where I'm at in my walk.

I have been in touch with a number of counselors in our church and REST is one of their major recommendation for me. Which is an affirmation! Yehey!

I'm still praying that my application for a Leave of Absence (LOA) from work be approved.  I'm also looking at taking a break from work for 30 to 45 days so I can rest and be busy at home with John.

While "on leave" I'll probably be updating this blog more often.  I want to record my journey on this trying phase that I'm going through right now.

Sigh. I'm really super hoping and praying to be really okay soon. 

Okay

I just want to be okay again.  For the past months, I've not been "stable" really. My disposition are more inclined to the negative things that I have learned to dwell on and boy it's really not healthy anymore. I'm tired of feeling this way.

I want to go back enjoying things as it is, being thankful no matter what is going on in my life and being a source of blessing to the people around me.

I really want to be okay. I'm tired of crying over things that I have no control of; things that I could not change. I want to live out what I've been saying in my textblast-- that God is sovereign, therefore He can surely be trusted!

I just want to be okay. 

Depressed

Yes, I've been feeling very depressed lately. I lost count na pero ilang weeks na akong walang lumilipas na araw ang hindi ako umiiyak at papasok sa trabaho na namumugto ang mata.

I feel lonely and unappreciated. Most of the time I am criticized, seldom do I get affirmed. I'm thinking yan ang pinang-gagalingan ng issue ko sa ngayon but I'm still not sure.

I want to rest from everything. If I could, I want to stop thinking about all the things I have in mind.

I just feel very tired and really sad.

Praying I'll get through this very soon. 

#TiisPaMore

And so I came home form work today very tired, not because of heavy work load but because of heavy traffic na inabot ng more than an hour from Estrella-EDSA to our apartment here in Mandaluyong. Sa sobrang kapaguran, I found myself crying habang namamalansta ng damit ni John. I couldn't help but cry kasi how I really wish I could have the time freedom that I've been longing for for the past few months.

Yung tipong hindi ko na kailangang magmadali kapag dating ko from work kasi I need to prepare our dinner, John's things for office and then I would struggle to sleep early because I have work the following day pa. Yung tipong I can sleep ng mga minimum 10hrs everyday since ang laki-laki ng utang kong pahinga sa sarili ko. Yung tipong John and I would have more time together, specially in our quiet time as a couple, more bonding and all. Yung tipong I am just managing a businss wherein hawak ko yung oras ko. Yung tipong dahil well rested ako, I'll have more energy for the ministry that I'm involved with. Yung ganun.  I guess I can say, yun ang pina-pangarap ko ngayon. TIME FREEDOM.

Pero hindi pa pwede sa ngayon. And even though it's a sad reality, I know I have to persevere. I have to continue trusting on the Lord for His plans for our life.

I'm thinking it's my PMS week, kaya siguro nag-e-emo na naman ako.

Oh well, I know I'll get through this by God's unlimited grace. Kaya for now tiis-tiis pa more! 

On waiting and trusting Him

A growth group member shared in our viber group chat a concern she has at work. I said I'll pray for her and reminded her of our lesson last Saturday in Romans 8:28 where it said that in good times or bad, all things are working together for the good-- being made in Christ-likeness, being changed from glory to glory-- of those called to salvation by God, those people who love Him. And while I type those words, I am also speaking to myself. 

I am struggling with the fact that I have to endure being on a 10 am to 7 pm schedule at work. That is the worst schedule that the management could give me because it will basically compromise our (John and I) time together since he works at night. By the time I arrive home, he needs to leave na.  By the time he arrives home in the morning, I need to leave na otherwise I'll be late because of the traffic. And so because of all these factors, I struggle and find myself feeling like I want to resign na talaga, as in if only I could, I'd submit an immediate resignation. BUT it's also clear, given our current financial situation that I cannot afford to quit working as of yet. 

So for now, I am praying that God will allow me to see things in His perspective. Just as His word said, it is certain that this change of schedule did not go about without His approval or just by chance, kasi sabi sa word Nya "all things work together for good" so this is not an exception. I have to accept that every moment as I trust in Him and wait upon His perfect timing when will I be able to leave my job. I have to trust Him because He knows what He is doing with my life. 

Wait for the Lord;
be strong, and let your heart take courage;
wait for the Lord!
-Psalm 27:14

When it's hard to give thanks

Today I received a sad news.

But then God is just faithful! He reminded me of two verses today when I was on my way home, crying...

"...in everything give thanks; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus." -1 Thessalonians 5:18

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." -Romans 8:28

This is the difficult part. To give thanks when the matter for you is not worth thanking God for. But His word says in everything, meaning there is no exception. And yes, not this one!

As a child of God, I have to be thankful for everything because everything happens for my own good, in accordance to His good and perfect will.  All I need to do is to trust in Him and take Him at His word.

And then boom!

He made me realize that this "sad news" is a wonderful opportunity for us (my husband and I) to level up on our trust in Him and for us to be amazed once again on how He will work our life as we build our family.  And with that, His peace ruled in my heart supernaturally.  He didn't allow myself to be eaten up by my ego and for me to be consumed by my being a "control freak of my life" because He is the One in charge, and not me.

He has proven Himself to be faithful to me, many, many times.  Why would I doubt now, right?

Thank You Lord for who You are.
Thank You for Your faithfulness.
Thank You because You are trustworthy.
Thank You because I have Your word to affirm and encourage me.
Thank You Holy Spirit for helping me keep things in Your perspective.
Thank You Jesus for there is forgiveness in You, and for Your righteousness imputed upon me.
Thank You dear God, for everything that You are.

PS... Yes, I was crying habang naglalakad papunta sa EDSA. Good thing I had my shades on! Lol!

PMS

I've been doing a lot of thinking if PMS is a valid excuse for ladies to be grumpy or easily irritated... Is it?

I do not know the answer... yet... Need to do research, need to pray more about it and need to ask God for wisdom...

But what I know right now is that I experience being the "grumpy me" on the first day of my period just like today... Hindi ko tuloy na enjoy ang qt ko kasi iritable ako because of dysmenorrhea na sinundan ng head ache... :(

Thank God for pain killers.

Legacy

Your response is your responsibility.
-Dr. Emerson Eggerichs

That is one unforgettable quote I learned from our mentoring session (watching the Love and Respect conference in dvd).  What does it have to do with the title of this post?

My heart has been crying and mourning over something that has been going on... This "something" is not new. It has happened a couple of times. To be honest, I lost count already. And to date, I still ask-- Why are they like that? Why do they choose to leave a legacy like this to us and the generation after us?

Nakakalungkot. Nakakadisappoint. Pero ayun na nga, sila naman ang magiging accountable kay God pagdating ng panahon.

So I say it again--

Your response is your responsibility.

(Note: the qoute is also my everyday reminder to myself)

"their work will be shown for what it is, because the Day will bring it to light. It will be revealed with fire, and the fire will test the quality of each person’s work." -1 Corinthians 3:13 

Waiver

Allow me to share an exerpt from an e-mail exchange with a very close friend (one of my accountability partner)... This one was my e-mail to her last week:

"...alam mo ang lesson ko this past few weeks?

Waiving my right

Unfair tlaga ang buhay… pero si Lord hindi Sya unfair kaya magdelight lang tayo sa Kanya.

Kahit hindi nammi-meet ng mga tao ang kaparapat natin from them; yung need natin to feel loved, appreciated and all that, andyan si God and He is all sufficient. And until we accept that truth and be reminded of that all the time, every minute, every second—we will be disappointed and frustrated and full of complaining and without joy and bitter and all...

Please hear me, I know what im saying. I can hear myself in you… at kaya sinasabi ko ang mga bagay na ito sayo kasi ito rin ang struggle ko at ito rin ang dealing with sa akin ng Panginoon.

Waive your right. Delight yourself in the Lord.

Mahirap.

Kaya ask for grace, be humble… ask for wisdom, ask and do not doubt, and when He answers, accept it bec it is from Him. He is the giver of perfect gifts…

Sabihin ko na rin sayo yung sinabi sa kin ni john nung ganyan na ganyan din ang reklamo ko sa pamilya ko…. Sabi nya: 'kahit ganyan sila, they are still your family and however imperfect their love for you is, it is still your source of strength and comfort.' Tpos at that moment the Lord made me realize na baka naman kasi yung ipinapakita nilang appreciation sa akin at sa laha ng sacrifices ko, yung paraan nila ay yung hindi ko ine-expect from them, yung paraan na gusto ko yun yung di nila naipapakita—pero di naman nila intention na di i-appreciate lahat… like what was said in our mentoring session 'not wrong, just different.'

So again—waive your right.

Then he said to them all: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. -Luke 9:23

I love you dear at mahal na mahal ka ni Lord. Go to Him and be satisfied..."

And I praise and thank God for her reply:

"Salamat na-relieve ako."